Time for a Power Lunch

Yesterday I had what I can only term a “Power Lunch” with a friend whom I haven’t connected with for a few years.  Our “Power Lunch” wasn’t the kind of lunch where high stakes corporate mergers are born.  It was the kind of meeting where life transformation is discussed, tears are shed and dreams are shared.  It lasted over four hours!

My friend and I have run into each other at women’s retreats and commit to connecting for some one-on-one time, but for whatever reason, we didn’t get a date on the calendar.  As the date for this commitment approached last week, my anxiety seemed to rise on how I was going to get everything done.  And this commitment came close to being cancelled.  Thankfully that didn’t happen.

Waiting for a table at the restaurant seemed to take forever.  When the time came to seat us, my friend asked for a table in a quiet area (away from the group of noisy kids just seated).  I knew this was going to be some good quality time.  After we ordered lunch, we fell into a natural routine of sharing what God was doing in our lives.  It was like we never parted.

Our relationship goes back to the first day I walked into a Celebrate Recovery meeting, eight years ago this week.  I was drawn to her warmth, vulnerability and sense of humor.  She made a lasting favorable impression on me.  I’m sure she was one of the influencing factors that helped me to overcome my uneasiness and skepticism on whether to return to those first meetings.

What is interesting is that on the surface, we didn’t seem to have anything in common.  Our recovery issues were very different.  But since my work addiction landed me in recovery, I attended the breakout group for addictive behaviors.  I met some very interesting people—whom I still consider friends.  They were some of the core women who started my accountability and support team.  And they were just what I needed to foster my relationship with God.

That was a very difficult time in my life.  I was learning to let down the wall around my heart and let people see the real me.  It was risky, but worth the effort as I started to feel loved and accepted for who I was and not what I did.  It was where my love for God moved from my head to my heart.

Eight years later, my friend and I both marveled at what God has done in our lives and how He is using us in our spheres of influence.  I won’t soon forget her words of exhortation and grace as we parted company.  They were a life-giving gift and confirmation of the transformation that God has done in me this past year.

 I am incredibly grateful to God for this season of growth.  And yesterday I was reminded how blessed I am for the life-giving relationships I’ve sowed along the way.

When was the last time you had a “Power Lunch” and who was it with?  Who has God placed on your heart to connect with lately?  What is stopping you?

Permission Granted . . . To Not Have It Altogether

I will be attending my first writers’ conference in a few days.  Wow, let me say that again.  I will be attending my first writers’ conference in two days.  One year ago, I was just getting comfortable with writing in my journal.  Most of my friends knew I was starting to take my writing more seriously.  And now I am finally taking the next step of faith and investing in my craft.  It is hard to believe.

Over the last few weeks the anxiety has been building with all the decisions I thought I needed to make.  I set a pretty high standard on how to be prepared for this conference including having several chapters written on a book and being prepared to pitch it to a publisher.  Also with the timing of my first manuscript being published in a book this summer, I wanted to make the most of the writers’ conference by having my platform defined, getting my website up, a new email address, new business cards designed and so on.  I wanted to be able to make a favorable impression with whomever God put in my path at the conference.

After talking with a writing mentor of mine, she really helped to talk me “down off the ledge”.  I was reminded about how I do already have a blog, a business card, and publicity photos and am a published author.  Earlier this week I also received an endorsement for my story from a national author and ministry leader whom I have long admired.  That is pretty amazing stuff for a beginning writer.  I am doing my part and God is definitely doing His.

I think I started to lose sight of what this conference is really all about for me.  As a new writer, I’m not expected to have it altogether.  I’m not expected to know it all or to have it all under control.  I don’t need to be perfect.  I just need to relax and remember that God got me this far in the process in a miraculous way and in His perfect timing.  He’s not going to abandon me now.

I also think what I needed was permission to not have to do this perfectly and to not have to perform.  As I let that sink in, I start to feel a tremendous sense of relief and freedom to attend the conference with much more grace for myself and this process. 

As a recovery group leader at my church, I know what it is like to have newcomers attend their first recovery meetings.  They are often anxious, have lots of questions and are generally in a place of deep need.  I openly welcome them into the group, answer their questions and offer encouragement to embark on their recovery journey.  Why would I expect anything less from a Christian writers’ conference? 

So I have to learn to be a newcomer all over again.  I have to patiently learn the writing and publishing process.  I also have to learn to make mistakes and move forward with God’s help.  And that’s the journey of life.  At my age, you’d think I’d have it mastered, but I am a work in process . . . one day at a time.

Preparing for Mother's Day

                Except for sending flowers and a card to my mother for Mother’s Day in years past, my Mother’s Day focus has mostly been on spending time with my immediate family—my spouse and two sons.  That was until two years ago.  That was the last time I saw my mother alive—Mother’s Day 2010.  Since that time Mother’s Day has much more significance to me. 

                My mother had a nervous breakdown when I was six years old radically changing the trajectory of my life.  From that point on the messages I received were to avoid being like my mother.  For the most part I learned to stuff my emotions for fear that I would be labeled “crazy” like her.  Her mental illness led to her absence in my life in many ways.  Growing up she was mostly absent emotionally and then when I entered adulthood, I chose to disconnect from her physically as well.

                But two years ago, God laid it on my heart to visit my mother one last time.  I had visited her twice in the previous six months to care for her after a debilitating stroke left her paralyzed on the right side of her body and unable to speak.  This visit was even more painful than the other visits and I feared this was going to be the last time I would see her alive.

                It is hard for me to believe that visit was two years ago.  My life is radically different now, including the way I prepare for and celebrate Mother’s Day.  That is because in the process of losing my mother, I was blessed with the gift of emotional and spiritual healing.  As a result, I have gotten in touch with parts of my identity that I had denied and suppressed for years.  I tend to think that the way I am now is similar in many ways to how my mother would’ve been had she not suffered that nervous breakdown all those years ago.  I am grateful for recognizing that I AM wired like her.  It is part of the legacy that she left me and makes me very grateful for her on Mother’s Day.

                Another major way that my Mother’s Day celebrations have changed is that I share this special day with Rosa in Spain.  Rosa is the mother of Pedro, the exchange student we had in our home the last two summers.  Rosa and I lost our mothers within three weeks’ time in a way that has connected us like sisters.  Mother’s Day in Spain is one week earlier than in the United States which means I have to plan way in advance.  This year I even enlisted Pedro’s help to buy flowers for Rosa from me.  It is very touching to now have this mother to mother connection—especially since we have never physically met.

                One last thought about preparing for Mother’s Day.  Last night during the women’s open share time in our recovery meeting, I asked the attendees to each share something that they are grateful for with their mother’s or with their own mothering.  In the past, I think it would’ve been hard for me to answer that question.  It’s not that I resented my mother or blamed her for the lack of nurturing and guidance.  Those things were out of her control and were not intentional.  But sometimes it’s hard to be grateful in the midst of pain and sorrow. 

Answering this simple question last night gave each of us an opportunity to practice gratitude—a necessary recovery tool that helps to take us out of our victim mentality and look for the positive in life situations.  It was a blessing to hear each woman share a nugget that made them grateful in this way.

                I personally have a tremendous amount to be grateful for in my own recovery journey.  It has positively changed my own mothering skills, it helped to push me out of my comfort zone to care for my mother at the end of her life and now it has helped me to reach across the world to celebrate Mother’s Day with my sister Rosa. 

               What are you grateful for this Mother’s Day?   

Building Teams For Life

Have you ever given any thought to the how’s and whys of the relationships you have around you?  As we go through life we connect with people and build relationships from a variety of sources.  We have blood relatives, marital ties, work relationships, school relationships, church or ministry relationships and special interest or hobby groups—to name a few. If you really take a look at the people in your relationship circles, you can start to see patterns in the people you have around you.  Those patterns can help you to determine your own areas of growth and pruning in your life.

Before I got into recovery, I didn’t pay any attention to the reasons people were in my life.  I just blindly went through life doing all I could to cope with each new circumstance that landed in my path.  When I started to realize that I had choices about who I could be in relationship with and what those relationships would look like, it was very freeing.  I had to go through a painful process of pruning some of those relationships.

One of the guiding principles I use to build new relationships is based on a definition from the book “Safe People” by Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend.  They define safe people as someone who:

1.    Draws us closer to God.
2.    Draws us closer to others.
3.    Helps us become the real person God created us to be.

As I recently began to lead a group of women through a Christian 12-step program, I was again faced with looking at the relationships I have around me.  While I’ve been blessed to have some amazing spiritual women mentor me and befriend me, I still needed to strengthen the team of recovery relationships I have around me.  That’s because as you work through the 12 steps you need to be connected with people who have walked this path before you.  You need their expertise and guidance and to offer hope as you progress through the 12 steps.

But that is not the only team I am building around me.  I am taking these same principles into my career and life goals as well.  For my writing, I attend monthly Christian writer’s meetings so I can meet other writers and glean from their wisdom.  For my scrapbooking and photography interests, I connect with others who have a love of those hobbies.  I also have a group of trusted friends who I can call on for prayer and comfort in my darker times. 

Building teams for life is a very rewarding process.  The harder part is discerning when to prune those relationships.  But if we go through life with the philosophy that there are seasons to our lives as Ecclesiastes 3:1 says, it is much easier to make decisions to prune our relationships or to let them go at the right time.

Whether you are working on a 12-step program or just dealing with life’s every day challenges, we all need a team of people around us to support us, encourage us and mentor us.  When you think about the teams of people around you, do you see gaps that need to be filled or areas to prune?  What’s your next step to cultivating the relationships you need in your life to achieve your goals?  What are you waiting for?  Just do it!

Sticks And Stones May Break My Bones

Over the past few weeks I have been under an amazing amount of spiritual attack.  The attack actually started a few months ago as we formed a team at my church to launch a Celebrate Recovery ministry.  Initially the attack was in the form of many organizational and logistical obstacles to overcome.  But then a few weeks ago, the attack turned very personal in nature when my motives and recovery were questioned. 

When this first happened, a friend told me that I was being bullied.  That is exactly what it was—only this time it wasn’t being done by some school age kid, it was by an adult.  It was a painful process to walk through.  As I did, I was able to share with my 14-year-old son how to take responsibility for my part in the matter, offer and seek forgiveness and to walk tall in midst of the continuing attack.  I was thankful to be able to turn this into a teaching moment with him.  Like my friend, he recognized it as bullying from the start.

In hindsight, I can definitely see how Satan used this to throw me off course and to attempt to derail me from being on this team.  Sometimes I even became my own worst enemy in the process.  When I was young, kids used to say ‘sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me’.  As an adult, I know that those words are not true.  Words do hurt people.  And in fact, quite often people intentionally do use words to hurt people.  After all, hurt people hurt people.  Their words can and do stick with you—if you allow it.

The voices from people in our past, including bullies can keep us stuck in the past and prevent us from living the life that God has called us to.  Satan wants us to keep believing those lies.  He puts the bait out there and wants us to get hooked on it.  Once we do, we can easily go down the road of doubt, self-condemnation and becoming a victim.  It is not a pretty sight.  I know because I have been caught up in it in the past and have to constantly be on the lookout for it.

That is precisely the reason I love Celebrate Recovery.  It is all about working through our hurts, habits and hang-ups.  Quite often it is the words that have been spoken into our lives in the past that we don’t let go of.  We repeat them in our mind or we listen to the voices in our head that tell us we are not good enough and that God could never use us or love us after what we have done.  Celebrate Recovery is a safe place to work through those hurts with others who also struggle and have found victory over it through Christ.

I know that Satan is not done with his attacks against me or this ministry.  He knows it is a threat to his dominion.  I also know that God is not done with me yet.  He is using my trials to build me up into a better leader.  I have a group of amazing mentors, accountability partners and prayer warriors around me that have walked this road as well.  I know I am not going down a path that has not been walked before.  I have some battle scars, but will proudly reveal them to those who want to walk this journey with me.

I have often been reminded of Ephesians 6:12 over the last few weeks.  “For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms.”  Then God’s still quiet voice also reminds me of his promises as in Jeremiah 29:11: For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.”

In the face of persecution and spiritual attack, we have a choice to make.  Are you going to let the ‘stick and stones’ lies of the enemy define you or are you going to believe what God tells you about your identity in Christ and His plans for you?  I choose to believe God.  I know He’s got my back.  What about you?